Password reset

I recently changed my password at work.  This is not new; i have to do it every couple of months, but they have set new rules that I cannot use the same string of letters or numbers to start or end the password as my previous 6 passwords.  Buggers!   This irks me because I honestly do not have enough space in my brain to remember the amount of passwords in my life, especially not if they now have to be completely unique. 

So, I had to come up with a new one and i decided to type in something like "Iamnotbusy...."

I have to type this password multiple times a day and everytime i do, it literally resets me.  I have been ready for a change in my life, but this password change has been such a literal reminder for me that I have to take a break for myself. 

The past few years I feel like I have been surviving my life, just barely going through the motions, rather than living it.  I hardly ever slept because I felt like I was supposed to be catching up on something.  I ate horribly and never worked out - which were undoubtedly related to the fact that I have been surviving on only a few hours of sleep at night.  I was constantly running but getting nowhere.  I wasn't happy. This is not the way to live life.

Maybe it just comes with the territory -I work full time and have two young kids. Life is busy; I manage a lot and have to somehow balance it all in a day that is confined to 24 hours. Or maybe this pattern of behaviors spiraled out of control when carolyn started missing so much school last year (over 65 days in one year); those translate into a lot of missed days at work for me, not to mention the amount of pervasive worry that came with that phase of life.  While her health/functioning is not close to being back to normal, it is not as nearly as unknown and unpredictable as it was last year, so we are coming to terms with the idea that it may not be something we can fix completely, and it may be something that is a chronic part of her life.  That is a lot to swallow, but at least her problems are relatively minor health conditions, and not something worse.

Ok.  back to me - because that is really what this post is all about!

Since changing my password last month, I have started to transform my life.   The biggest change has been that I have slept.  In my bed for more than a few consecutive hours a night.  It has been glorious.  I also started to exercise again, and oh how life changes when you sleep and work your body a bit.  In general, I am back among the living, and I cannot believe how different I feel.  This is what life should feel like.  The world is a bit brighter.  Problems are not nearly as difficult to manage.  Laughter is actually something I enjoy to hear.  And forget about those to do lists, they will get done eventually.  I can't do them all today!

I admit, I am a perfectionist and demand a lot from myself.  That will never change. But I am ready to give myself a bit of break, so that I can start living life, rather than just surviving it.  Maybe the fact that I am approaching a new decade of life has also been one of the motivating reasons that set me on this new path.  I cannot allow myself to start this next phase of life with the poor health behaviors I have had the past few years.....

As evidence that I have made a change, here is a photo of me at an exercise class with some friends.  We were celebrating carries 40th birthday that morning, which explains the pink tutu.  Oh, and last night, I just booked a week long trip to maui with these ladies in july!  

My life is rich in every possible way - and I am so thankful that I have begun to live it again.